Nabeel Speaks

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if
You tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
Young Man: Quite possible.


Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.
Young Man: Smiles. ;)

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.
Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.

VIRUS woman!!     
INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!

RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

USER woman:
She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

How did the football pitch end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner!


What did one candle say to another?
"Don't birthdays burn you up?"


Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights.

What kind of pet did Alladin have?
A flying carpet!

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted Mark Antony!

Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word lettuce!
Pupil: Let us out of school early.

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Teacher: What hapens to gold when it is exposed to the air?
Pupil: Its stolen!

Where do you find a bithday present for a cat?
In a cat-a- logue.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what sort of animal a slug is?
Pupil: It is a snail with a housing problem!

What is a cow's favourite show?
Dr.Moo!

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'












The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'

Three doctors were attending a conference and while having lunch the American doctor says

"A man had no legs we fixed wooden legs, now he is athletics champion"

The British doctor says

"A man had no arms we fixed wooden arms now he is boxing champion"

The Pakistani doctor then says

"A man had no brain we put Sindhi cap on his head, now he is president of Pakistan."

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes. Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family, they are here to... ( READ ON!)


The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech; 'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'

'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);


Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.







'AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.

- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

- The Mafia is laying off judges.

Jonh and Mike were flying in plane behind a pakistani...so just to annoy him they started to have following conversation..


john to mike:so wats your destination....india?

Mike: oh, no ...i heard there are way to many moslims.(pakistani passenger feels a bit uncomfortable).

JOhn:Are u going to iran ?

Mike:are you crazy? ...there are even more muslims!

john:are you going to visit indonasia then?

Mike:Euhhhhhhhhh....no dummy.... that country is filled with muslims....


(that pakistani guy gets really angry now)

they keep talking

Jonh:i guess your going to visit pakistan?

Mike:not in a million years..that country is infested with muslim extremists!!!!

Frustrated that pakistani guy turns his head and yells:

you know wat ...why don,t both of you go to hell !!!
i heard there is not a single muslim at that place!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down!

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'In'.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Then once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions...switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks write... 'For smuggling diamonds'.

7. Finish all your sentences with 'In accordance with the prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'To Go'.

12. Sing along at the Opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital, and ask why the poems don't rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party cause your not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name...rock bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy we are going to have to let one of you go.'

20. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

So Zia-Ul-Haq, Reagan and Gorbachev were traveling on the ship and got into argument that who's soldiers are the bravest ones and decided to give it a test.

Reagan called one of his soldier and said "jump in the sea" - soldier salutes Reagan, said God bless America and jumped into the sea ... Reagan looked at both presidents as if asking "isnt this brave?"

Gorbachev called one of his soldier and ordered "cut your throat" and soldier obliged even before Gorbachev has finished his sentence. Gorbachev looked at other two presidents and said "isnt he brave?"

Zia-Ul-Haq called one of his soldier and ordered "take this rope and hang your self" ..soldier replied "keyun? khud pagal ho mujhey bhee pagal samjha hai kia?" ....Zia turned towards other presidents and proudly said "now this is called bravery"

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait,just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than Men* ......

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,"

said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the
teacher with a sneer.

"Well actually I don't," said the student,

"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods..

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(But that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(Is this the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(…And that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(....and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

    BEFORE MARRIAGE

    BOY - At last. I can hardly wait!
    GIRL- Do u want me to leave?
    BOY - No! don't even think about it.
    GIRL- Do you love me?
    BOY - Ofcourse! Always
    GIRL- Have u ever cheated on me?
    BOY - No! Why r u even asking?
    GIRL- Will u kiss me?
    BOY - Every chance I get!
    GIRL- Will u hit me?
    BOY - Hell no! Are u crazy?
    GIRL- Can i trust u?
    BOY - Yes!
    GIRL- Darling!!

    AFTER MARRIAGE

Now start reading from bottom back to the top

Some of it may make you smile, dont hesitate..


1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird)
2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)
3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)
4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)
5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who Knows?)
6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)
7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)
8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)
9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell)
10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)
12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)
13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)
14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)
15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)
16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )
17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)
18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)
19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)
20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
21. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (Very nice)
22. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)
23. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)
24. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars

Believe it or not...Women are incomplete without Men!

Woman hasManin it;
Mrs. hasMr. in it;
Female hasMalein it;
She hasHein it;
Madam hasAdam in it;
Hymen has Men in it;

So, it is obvious how much MEN support WOMEN...

and WOMEN, they implicate MEN in thier problems only..in fact blame them for the problems...

They claim that all of women's problems start withMEN?[/FONT]
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Now you tell me, IS THAT POSSIBLE AT ALL.....WOMEN putting MEN before anything at all....have a look at their illnesses again...

Do you know the meaning of“ABCDEFG”

A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl

Reverse the meaning of ABCDEFG
"GFEDDCBA"

Girl Forgets Everything Done & Catches new Boy Again

Benazir Bhutto, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally Benazir gets her turn and talks for 4 hours.When she was finished the devil informed her that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call Pakistan anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Benazir got to call the Pakistan free.

The devil replied, "Since Asif became president of the Pakistan , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call".

This is Classic....

I was most amazed at this saftey labelling this morning.

I have just opened a very large parcel for me, when i say parcel i suppose it's more of a long foamboard tube.

I had been anticipating my delivery for some time, becuase as you can guess it's another sword

Know before you ask, this one is not another Katana it is an Indonesian made Dotanuki, simmilar to it's Japanese counterpart but of a much greater wieght about 8lbs and could easily cut through an average torso

Now i wasn't suprised when i opened the package carefully to find a certificate of authenticity with it, basically it detailed the manufaturers name and the style in which it was made as well as all the details of my personal instructions regarding its construction and legality etc etc.

However what still leave me rolling around in laughter is the Saftey ticket that came with it. It read as follows.

"Caution: Saftey First!
Plastic bag should be kept well away from children under 3 years of age due to riak of suffocation"

^ hahhahhhaaaaa i have just ordered and recieved a butchers blade, and would have expected something like sharp contents or danger very sharpe edge but this warning was hillarious.......

as if a child would use a dotanuki! HAhahhahahaaa

but thanks Mr Muhammad Ashraf Taidun Hodayuh, it is good to see you are always thinking of Health and saftey first........ someones got to do it i suppose......